I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
