i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
