I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
