If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
