Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They are going to name an STD after you.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
At least life still wants to fuck me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
