she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
