So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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