My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
