Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
