all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
