sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
