Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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