i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
