Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
