Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
