Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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