I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
