He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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