Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
