Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
