You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
