My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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