dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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