Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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