I'm going to jail i love you
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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