Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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