i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
