Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
