no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
