I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
