thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
