I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
