Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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