too bad you live with your parents still
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
