my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
