Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
