I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
