My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
