people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
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The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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