I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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