Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize