My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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