you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
