I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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