So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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