Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
