High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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