She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
