I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
