but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
