omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
