he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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