no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
