A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
