just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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