How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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