dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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