I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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