She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
