Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
