Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
