"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hippo gnu deer
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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