i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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